Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
