Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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