Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
