my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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