then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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