Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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