I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize