I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
