So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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