i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
