You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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