mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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