Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize