I bet he comes in French.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
