I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
