it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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