Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
