there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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