At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
