Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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