We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize