I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
