i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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