just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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