im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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