I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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