i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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