Is it normal to miss your booty call?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
