Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
