I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I deserve this hangover.
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