I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
