I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
