my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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