I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
apparently the secret to your success is patron
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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