Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
