??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
