remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
