Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
