I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
