I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
