she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
