just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
