Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
