Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
