he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
