I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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