do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize