i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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