How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
