if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize