First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
