WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Vodka?
Forever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
