Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
