it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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