She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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