Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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