I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
