I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
