so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
