If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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