I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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