My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
