now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
