hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
